Fake Star Wars Trailers Are Inevitably Probably Better Than The Real Thing

When I was around seven years old, my dad introduced me to the world of Star Wars, and my life would never be the same again. The amazing set pieces, the ridiculously deep lore, the kick-arse action sequences… all only slightly ruined when dad leant over to me halfway through Empire and whispered, “By the way, Darth Vader? Luke’s DAD.” Still don’t really know if he couldn’t contain his excitement, or if he was just fucking with me.

Either way, Star Wars and it’s extended history – which expands out in books, comics, video games and possibly the greatest thing ever put on TV, so good in fact that George Lucas wanted all evidence of it destroyed – has been a formative part of my life ever since. I burnt out my original VHS copies of the original trilogy, and still come back to them every few months to remind myself what is possible in science fiction, with maybe just a little stealing from outside influences. Yes, I was severely disappointed by the new trilogy before I even saw it, and then went “Eh” after, just like everyone else.

Suffice to say that I took Disney’s purchase of the entire Star Wars franchise with a grain of salt, like all those same people. Disney? Making Star Wars? Is the entire screen going to be covered in fucking Gungans? Will Vader break into a musical number about how his suit provides life support but, oh my Sith Lord, does it chafe? In all seriousness, the new 16 thousand Star Wars movies are probably going to be as good as they can be, but there’s always going to be that seven year-old in every fan’s heart that hopes it will fucking own. That’s why the fake Star Wars trailer is a thing, because people on the internet just want to see the world burn.

Hahaha! Get it! It’s called THE FORCE AWAKENED, you plebs! And the funny green Danny DeVito man has the force! And… an alarm… It’s funny because you’re destroying my childhood.

But that’s obviously a joke. It’s a totally different thing when you try so very hard to convince people that you, and only you, have access to the trailer, if only for all the Youtube traction you know it will generate, you bastard.

To be honest, the above is almost a very good troll. For those uninitiated, it’s actually a supercut of about 18 different movies (they’re might even be some Prometheus in there, hard to tell). But it’s not until Harrison Ford appears with the usual stoic, menacing expression bolted onto his face, that you glare at the screen and go, “Oh, fuck you.” Yes, that’s a terrible super of “HAN SOLO” pasted over his lapel, like a renowned and notorious smuggler would advertise his name to everyone. No, go ahead, add all the names of the confirmed cast of the new movie at the end, just to make it that more believable, I don’t care. I’m already crying on the inside.

This is probably my favourite one. In my opinion, that bloated gasbag George Lucas paid us all a disservice by not putting ANY Bob Marley in ANY of his Star Wars films. Hopefully Disney will rectify this. And yeah, throw in a couple of dodgy discount codes to unreliable forums hosted by the teenagers that call you a faggot on Call Of Duty, who not? It’s all part of the immersive cinema experience.

There’s only so much bullshit rhetoric about the Force you can pack into a trailer – Lucas knows that well by now – and “Lucas F.” kind of loses it when he decides to add his own “OOOOH THE FORCE SPOOOOOKY” voiceovers. Eh, probably still better than Michael Bay.

Fake I’m-in-a-theatre-with-my-secret-camera setup: check. Actual Star Wars canonical context: check (Chewbacca totally cuts his own head off with a lightsaber while on a PCP binge. Read a book, YOU PLEB). Shitty green-screening and amateur actors: check. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, these guys may be the biggest Star Wars fans out there. Also, making your major character this guy…

https://i2.wp.com/img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131106230409/starwars/images/9/98/Dengar-SWT.png

… is a genius move. He’s practically unknown; there’s only around 27 different action figures made in his likeness!

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