Kickstarter’s a helluva thing, isn’t it? The emergence of the crowdfunding platform in general has lead to things from complete strangers giving a guy more than $55,000 to make a potato salad to musicians holding TED Talks to – in a sense – defend their use of the system, instead of the traditional and draconian industry platforms. Yes, whether you’re an amazing bedroom musician who’s trying to fund their dream, or you’re just some nutbar who really wants other people to pay for you to swim naked in a pool full of spaghetti, crowdfunding truly is your dream come true.
Unless it isn’t, of course. Silvio Larusso, a PhD candidate in design sciences at the University of Venice, has created Kickended, a site that provides page after page of failed Kickstarter campaigns. Not just failed, but failed to raise any money whatsoever. These are the ideas that, despite the fact the internet usually lends weight to any idea no matter how batshit insane it is, missed the certain je nais se quoi that comes from a guy making salad.
It’s truly a hole of uncomfortable pity and angst, but there are some gems in there. Here are a few favourites.
Kids go fuckin’ nuts for dinosaurs, as every parent and sad-middle-aged-man-who-regrets-not-having-children knows. You know what else they love? “Unique digital art” of primates “doing really cool things”, like hanging of the sides of motorcycles and riding terrifying beasts while dressed like some kind of Mad Max-meets-Stevie-Wonder pastiche.
It should be noted that Marcelino Hoyo, the creator of Jurassic Primates, appears to be some kind of captain on a theme park boat ride, according to his Facebook. So obviously this is just the wacky, meandering idea of an eccentric boat captain, and definitely not some weird sexual thing.
Sometimes, the simplest ideas are the most effective. Our mate Harry from Bristol is pretty clear about what he wants: a few fish, made from jelly, with lights in them. He then wants to have a “music/jelly” party, presumably so everyone in attendance can pledge their eternal allegiance to our new fishy gods.
On the face of it, Harry just seems like a guy who really likes fish. Again, probably not a sexual thing, but you never know with the internet. And really, is 200 pounds too much to pay to watch a man fuck a fish made from jelly?
Stjimmy3000 (If he’d rather be known as St Jimmy the 3000th, he should really edit his profile) can’t cook. PUNK! But obviously, his girlfriend is getting sick of his constant mohawk maintenance and Carling drinking, and told him to get some useful life skills before she boots him to the curb. Twenty-five pounds should do the trick! It’s worth it, because you’ll be sent a “funny video” of Jimmy making the burger – which will inevitably involve a lot of angst – and a warm feeling in your stomach, knowing that you’ve helped some punk slacker kid do something with his life.
The best part of most of these campaigns is how the creator must explain the dangers and obstacles with their proposed money-hole. While Jimmy is pretty confident when, under “Cons”, he says, “None lol”, there’s the ever-present danger of all that vinyl and purple hair spray catching fire and burning his flat down. Then again, that is still pretty punk.
Look, I’m trying to avoid The Kickstarters that obviously lost out due to overbearing creepiness, but there’s just too many. Johansssa wants your help to create a calendar featuring sexy female models. Right there, he’s hit on a totally original idea, but what makes it better is his preferral for a 16-month calendar, instead of the one we’ve been using for thousands of years. Fuck you, Julius Caesar!
Of course, “model flakiness” is an all-too common issue when creating sexy calendars, so that’s probably why he wanted $4,000 to get the project off the ground. You know, in case he had to defend himself in a court of law or something.