DJ Khaled’s Hold You Down celebration video is the worst thing ever

I don’t know whether to take DJ Khaled seriously or not. He, apparently, has a huge amount of money, which is kind of confusing given the current state of the music industry. But whatevs, maybe he’s just a sound investment strategist. What confuses me is his apparent obliviousness to just how awesome he is. He’s probably the most humble man on the planet, maybe only challenged by Kanye, Metta World Peace and L. Ron Hubbard in the humble stakes.

Observe Hold You Down, the genius producer’s latest masterpiece. Observe as a setting shot captures the full majesty of DJ Khaled’s tour bus, replete with a giant advertisement for Khaled’s superior audio products. Observe our portly hero inform his life partner that she’s not just “SMAAAART”, but also “A GEEEEEEEENIUS” for letting him “hustle” on the “streets”. Observe Khaled’s life partner slowly and painfully grind away on the doorstep of Khaled’s mansion, as if his patronizing words and constant gun-fingers are activating her dance mechanism. And that’s just in the first 20 seconds; let’s not even talk about Chris Brown’s much-necessary appearance. It’s just too good for words.

How do you celebrate such an artistic triumph? Why, by filming a twelve-minute video of you celebrating in the Bahamas, pouring Belvedere all over yourself, and reminding everyone, including the staff, that you’re record is number one, and that you’re such a champion for all causes – ALL causes, from poverty to healthy living. If you feel like belting out an insane, narcissistic rant while sitting on a jet-ski, hey, all the better. You deserve it, DJ Khaled.

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