1) MISSOURI POLICE
This one’s kind of obvious, if you’ve been paying any attention to the news. The whole spectacle going on in Ferguson is so complex, so annoyingly grey-area that I’m not even going to attempt to make any profound point about it. There’s two big factors at play here. The first, and most apparent, is the people of Ferguson’s calls of racism against the police force. Adding more morally-questionable shit to the pile is the fact that the shooting of Michael Brown (and, er, that second shooting of a black man days later) has once again raised the whole impenetrable argument on police powers. In the USA, it’s an especially poetic argument.
Did you know that several major weapon manufacturers won’t supply guns to Californian police, because California bans the sale of high-powered automatic rifles to the public? Yes. Think about that, next time you’re all like, “Ooh, the police are Nazis, they shoot everyone all the time”, like I was that one time when I was 18 and really drunk and Mason had lost his phone in a bush and the cops thought we were trying to break into people’s houses. It’s a lot more complicated than “cops have guns, cops shoot you”. How much authority should the police have? How many bullets should they have? If gun manufacturers are withholding supply to the police force due to commercial reasons, does that mean that America is theoretically the battle-to-the-death stadium in Planet Of The Apes? Yes, but you already knew that.
2) IS OR ISIS OR ISIL OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THE MEDIA IS CALLING THEM THIS SECOND
Phew, ok, another serious one, and another one that has been all over the news, partly because it involves the death of a journalist.
This week, ISIS (I’m calling them that for consistency and because of the ‘coincidence’ of picking the best terrorist organisation name ever) killed American journalist James Foley. That is to say, a man with a British accent and ninja regalia beheaded American journalist James Foley with a hunting knife in the middle of the desert. There’s so much wrong with this, but let’s focus on why this is the stupidest thing ever. First of all, journalists should and usually do have impunity in war zones, even from psychos like ISIS. Everyone knows the value of a good story.
However, at least one guy who claims to be from ISIS has decided that coverage of the conflict is too “Western” or “Capitalist”, and has sent a message. That message being: “I am a giant fuckwit and I want the US to tactically bomb me with such unerring accuracy that my teeth are blasted out of my arsehole.”
Let’s break it down a bit: One guy or group of guys claiming to be from ISIS want to piss of the most powerful country in the world. They do it by straight-up murdering an American citizen working as a journalist and, by all accounts, a guy who was friends with everybody and always maintained his sense of decency. ISIS apparently supplied the US with a list of demands before the beheading, but if that list wasn’t topped with “Become one with the universe through nuclear incineration”, I’m not sure what the point of something like that would be. At least it’s more proof that what a lot of people think is a well-constructed, intelligent organisation is at least partly made up of redneck psychopaths firing rockets into the middle of nowhere because, just as Michael Bay keeps reminding us, explosions are cool.
3) FAMILY FIRST NEW ZEALAND
Yes, attacking Family First is as easy as punching an infant in the face, but it’s worth it once again.
Hey, New Zealand! Miley Cyrus is coming? Aren’t you excited! Finally, you’ll all be able to see her tongue, and the specific geometrical angles of her hair, and that thing where she drags her arse on the ground like a dog with worms. I bet you can’t wait! There’ll be a “tongue slide” and a “hotdog”! For all your safety, I sure hope they’ve got a few metric tons of condoms and safety goggles.
Bob McRoskie knows what I’m talking about. He’s a member of Family First, and he doesn’t particularly like Miley’s naughty antics. Apparently, two things stand out about Miley’s show: a costume printed with Cannabis leaves, and footage of Miley emulating fellatio on a dancer wearing a Bill Clinton mask. As always, descriptions of Miley Cyrus concerts seem to equally describe German porn films.
And that’s apparently the problem: Miley Cyrus is marketing sex and drug use under the pretence of pop music. Wait, are we sure that this guy’s from New Zealand? Or does he just love in a religious enclave, totally separated from the usual amount of sex and drugs the regular New Zealander is exposed to? Sounds like someone needs a blowjob.